2/21/04

And suddenly I'm idle. I'm so tired of dealing with the same old drama. So I take a step back. Smart move, right? Maybe. But now I'm bored and no one is here to entertain me. That's what I get for turning down invites and canceling plans. Maybe I'll get something done now. Like writing in this journal.
It's raining outside, feels like lousy. Nice change in weather. I look forward to Spring.
I miss Davis.
I miss the crisp mornings and cool nights; the wet grass at the parks after the rain. It's been too long. I miss walking at night there, alone. No one worried there. And I loved the solitude. I miss the smell of Spencer's room, even though now just thinking of it brings bad memories and a sting of maybe tears.
It was comfortable once though-Always a good feeling. I wonder who lives there now. And the White Sands house, how it's doing. Katie, Sparky and the kids. I wonder if they miss me and if I'll ever get up the courage to call. I wonder if my plans will ever go through. The summer is getting closer. I'll be eighteen soon. Funny isn't it? How we had always assumed I'd go visit Spencer that day. And I'd move out. Thought wrong that's for sure.
I'm so stupid to even think that it's a possibility to be friends with Spence again. I don't even remember what had made us fight so much near the end. Or why I had acted the way I did. Such stupid mistakes, such serious consequences. It's amazing how much has changed since then. But I'm still me and I'm almost positive that Spencer hasn't changed much. He'll always be himself, nothing ever got in the way of that. I wish I could have been like that. But I was naive, and ignorant. I always played parts. Even the last time I saw Spencer I was just playing a part. I'm such an idiot, there's some more self-fulfilled prophecies for me to know.